He was three years “sober.” After running a hose from the tailpipe of his truck into the trailer where he lived he started the engine, laid in bed and closed his eyes. An hour later he was roused from a carbon monoxide-induced slumber by his cat scratching at his face. The thought to live flickered. […]
In recovery, there are those who have achieved the promise of “happy, joyous and free”; there are those who remain stuck and miserable; and there are those who vacillate between the two extremes. For years, I found myself in that last category. There were the good days… many of them. But too often I fell […]
The one question I wish people would ask me is whether I’d prefer my grandchildren to grow up to be baseball players or gymnasts. Unfortunately I am more likely to be asked: “Do you know who peed in the potted plant on my desk last night?” (True story from my drinking days. I will have […]
Alcoholics and addicts love to talk about being happy, joyous and free. I just sat through a well attended 12-step meeting where this was the topic. The people most inclined to speak on this topic were primarily younger attendees within their first 60 days… “what do they know?” I silently judged before reflecting on how […]
Holding a large butcher knife, I staggered to the master bedroom, slammed the door and dramatically announced I was ending it all. At least that is what I was told. I was in a blackout much of my last drinking spree. I had been trying to stop drinking for fourteen years. When I actually did […]
Imagine you win tickets to a performance by the local symphony who will be playing scores from your favorite movies of all time. The night arrives and you settle into your seat. As the first strains of a beautiful melody issue forth you have a thought: Did I lock my car? You mentally flash to […]
My name is Rick. I am self-centered and fearful. In the past that has fueled my alcoholism and complicated my mental illness. For alcohol, according to our literature, is but a symptom. The underlying spiritual malady is self-centered fear. Knowing this, I embarked on a little experiment. Nine days ago I reviewed Steps 6 and […]
Drunk almost daily since my sophomore year of college, it took some time to graduate… twenty-two years to be precise. Though there were multiple starts and stops (sometimes the bottle was a little more important than attendance) and though I changed my major more frequently than my fashion-conscious wife changes her nail polish, one thing […]
Imagine I take my one-and-a-half-year-old grandson Oliver to the doctor. A vaccination is on the docket and a sharp shiny needle pierces his tender arm. Oliver belts a horrifying shriek and whimpers. He doesn’t understand that the shot is intended to protect him from a life-threatening illness. He only knows he’s in pain and grandpa […]
If only shame were fleeting and impermanent. But it’s not. It’s sticky. Hard to remove. Crippling. Unlike justified guilt, which just tells me I did something wrong, shame says I am wrong-–defective to the core. Avoid me. Shun me. Whisk the children away at my coming. Guilt, if heeded, can be productive. I change my […]
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