“Selfishness — self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.” Alcoholics Anonymous (The Big Book) pg. 62
Heavy sigh…
So last night I had the thought to write a blog on self-centeredness. Just this past week I had taken a sponsee through the Third Step. All my grand pronouncements and vast wisdom on the topic were top of mind. Cough, cough…
It only took me twenty-two minutes of being awake today to realize that I write this blog far more for my own edification that to make grand pronouncements and dispense wisdom. You see, today started off with a trip to holy site of all spiritual learning—McDonalds.
On the weekends I have a routine. I get up first thing and run to Circle K to get my wife a large drink to wash down the all-to-plentiful handful of pills that are necessitated by her lung transplant. Then I make a quick pit stop at Mikey Dees for a two hundred and forty calorie Egg White Delight McMuffin to start my day with a little calorie responsibility.
Today my wife decided to mix things up. Normally one to eat like sparrow and bypass breakfast, she asked me to pick her up a regular McMuffin. Not being as girth-challenged around the midsection she can opt for the egg yolk and non-low cal cheese the regular McMuffin sports.
So barely awake I was making my rounds. I got my wife her soda with little incident. (Although the cashier was blaring and singing along loudly to a rather descriptive current R&B single about stripping a woman down to her birthday suit… is it me or does the world sorely miss the more nuanced stylings of Smokey Robinson and Marvin Gaye?… but I digress…)
So off to McDonald’s I went, cranking the radio to purge modern-day R&B from my mind.
Once there, I shouted my order into call box—“one Egg White Delight McMuffin and one regular McMuffin.” I waited for my order to appear on the screen. It did. And I confirmed my approval.
Then I noted the error. My “regular McMuffin” appeared as “English Muffin.” That would not do. I summoned the order taker back.
We went back and forth for a bit as I was unaware that there is no such thing as a regular McMuffin. There is the Sausage (gag) McMuffin, the Egg White Delight Mc Muffin, the Egg McMuffin, and so on. In my half-awake state I was pretty insistent that there should be something called a regular McMuffin so I did little to clarify the matter. But somehow we muddled through it.
Obtaining my order, I immediately made my way to the main drag back home. (I have a thing about people blocking drive thru lanes as they over analyze their orders, so I was off to the races.)
On the mile long ride back home I checked the bag. One wrapper read “Egg McMuffin” and the other read “Sausage McMuffin.” Aaaagh! They hadn’t listened. My first thought was to turn back. But I was in my truck, U-turns are tricky and I was certain the line would be long. What’s a selfish, centered alcoholic to do?
I ate the Egg McMuffin—yolk and all. It was delicious. I figured I could pawn the mistake off on my wife.
Upon arriving home I brought the bag and soda to my wife in bed. She reached into the bag, unwrapped the breakfast sandwich and, low and behold, it was not a Sausage McMuffin. It was my Egg White Delight McMuffin—just in the wrong wrapper. She, lover of egg yolk that she is, looked disappointed. I feigned outrage. How could they have gotten her order wrong? I weakly offered to return to their fine establishment and right this culinary injustice.
My wife declined and I slinked off to my office to write this blog.
Funny thing. It is a little tricky writing a blog post of self-centeredness when you had just succumbed to such behavior. Getting something into my belly took precedence of getting things right for all parties concerned. Self-centered indeed.
I stared blankly at the screen on my laptop for five minutes and realized I had to come clean.
I told my wife the unvarnished truth. Come to find out she dislikes Sausage McMuffins as much as I do. I would have stuck her with a breakfast sandwich that would have ended up in the dog’s dish. Happily, it turns out, she really likes Egg White Delight McMuffins. She forgave me my self-centeredness and all is well in our household.
That doesn’t change the fact that despite years of sobriety I can be self-centered to the core. Fortunately, I had just discussed this with a sponsee. I knew what to do.
As it points out in our literature, if we want to be rid of self, we must ask for divine help. Having hit a very busy time of the year at work, I have let up on morning prayers and meditation the past few days. I am paying the price.
I shut my laptop, shut the door to my office and prayed the Third Step Prayer… emphasizing the past about being relieved of the bondage of self.
Out literature also makes very clear that we are only granted a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Get me a few days away from maintaining my spiritual self and I am scarfing down my loved one’s breakfast.
Hmmmm… spiritual food for thought.
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